this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
