So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
