i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
