If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize