Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Mom said you looked used
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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