I want to make a zoo with you.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
