I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
