I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
