girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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