Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
