I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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