i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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