I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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