fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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