we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
