this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
