Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just pee around me
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
