You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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