Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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