We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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