I accidentally burped into my bong.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
