On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
