I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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