I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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