i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
