the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
