She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
