2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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