Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
