Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
