is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
