you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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