hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize