Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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