we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
