I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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