When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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