saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
