I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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