dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
