Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
