I hate all girls vehemently.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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