He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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