I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
