you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
This is not my ceiling
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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