i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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