I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
