Just fell off a train. Bad.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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