How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
