Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize