I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
