so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
