we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
