speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
