does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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