Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
