he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
where does the pee come out of this thing
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
