Non-Jews are for practice
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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